i am sad

I don't really know why... but i am sad... i have cried several times today, and i keep feeling lonely. i just want to be held...

hold me, cuddle with me. why is always about sex? I just want a companion. someone who helps be laugh and find adventures...

last night

I had a dream... it woke me up and i could get back to sleep... it was about jen rainbolt.

I don't remember all the details but it was about here sleeping with a guy, It was shortly after we broke-up and i don't know much about him... only that he had 50 million dollars. and was really well off...

It was heart breaking. I was so devastated that i couldn't get back to sleep... i lay mostly awake until my alarm went off. It was a little taste of what jen must have felt from my actions. I know i hurt her... there is nothing i can do to about that... i can only try to repair the damage i have done...

I am well aware how i have treated others... and i am sorry for that.. i am changing my was.. although i have already done a lot of damage...

To all the girls i have loved....

i am sorry... i have not been myself... i have been a jerk, i have not treated you with respect... of myself for that matter. I have been living like a animal at the whims of his urges.

for this i am sorry. but please don't take this me saying i am sorry for your company. you are finamaldle... and have enjoyed all the time we spend together...

but alas.. i need to be more honest with you and myself! i will not go there anymore... i really want to and i really want to a family, raise our offspring and set out on new adventures...

i need a retreat.. to find myself and revitialist my respect for women... Again i am sorry i have hurt you it was not my intention... just my neglect and self centered attitude.

love and passion

It is an amazing experience. I never thought anything could be such a sharing experience. A great dinner and a little ice cream w/ strawberries & sherry.

It was great. I really enjoyed the passion and the sharing... i nevered imagined it could be such a wonderful experience. now i know and would love to share again....

the awaited call.

Well we all have a different perception of a really long time. Yesterday as i was heading out the door for a meeting, i received a call from some one that i have been really wanting to talk with. It was a very acqward conversation, one because it caught me off gaurd, and two because i didn't have time to talk.

It was also as though she had something important she wanted to tell me but didn't know how. It threw me into all kinds of thoughts and different "head spaces" I am excited to hear from here but scared & confused to talk with her.

I said i would call her when i had a little more time, and she said no she will call me? again confusing.... i asked her when and she said later. "Later today, next week, next month," all she would say is soon... after a little more talking she agreed to next week....

So let the waiting return... hopefully she will remember... I have some many things i want to share with her.

missing

I am so happy to have a puppy again. It is fun to have "some one" to play with all the time. Although, when i was heading home & around family i was reminded that i don't have some one close to me to share this exciting moument.

So needless to say i am missing jen. I don't think it would work out dating her again, but i really really miss her. I miss talking with her, cuddling with her, looking into her eyes... but it will probably be a while before i hear from her again... if ever...

Such is life i guess. Hopefully i can find someone that will challenge, excite, and romance, me as much as i do her.... Basicially someone i love with all my heart, mind, and soul.

final farewell

Last night jen called me at 12.37am, I was happy to here from her... and i knew why she was calling. We did the how are you doing and how's life...

after the small talk we moved into the real reason. We love each other and can it really work us getting back together? I have been thinking about this a lot. jen is an awesome girl, the most amazing girl i have ever dated. She is smart and intelligent, beautiful, and very very talented, she is a better designer (architecturally) than me. But we are always fighting when we are together... we are constantly at odds. It is as though we are incapiable of fulfilling the other person's needs, hopes and dreams.

I have no idea why. We have a lot of similar goals and can work really well together, but we just don't foster that loving & inspiring environment.

Last night we talked for 2:39:40. There are two options, one we get back together and work it out, or two don't see each other until we are "over" each other. I love jen so much! but I need to have some radical changes for me to get back together. And she doesn't know how or want to try and sweep me off my feet. I did it to her... i waited until she was ready keep talking with her even though she was with another guy, and did all the little stuff... but she is not willing to do that for me... that is what i need.

So last night the decision was reached that jen will "hide" from me until she no long has feelings for me. I don't know if i will ever see her again. I am very sad, she is my best friend. I really connect with justin, but jen is so much closer. I miss her so much. and i still think about her every day.

Such is life... i guess... the heart will heal... eventually and life will carry on... someday i might find a partner... someday...

well the first time i ever lived with a girl i am dating ended after about a two weeks. It is very sad. I wanted to try and work it out but jen was clearly not interested and i decide it was time to let this one go.

It hurts so much. I was the closer to jen as i have been with any girl, she means so much to me it was really hard to let the relationship disolve... this has been the longest relationship i have had since highschool. a month over a year...

she moved out thanksgiving weekend. We have talked a lot since, partly because she was hanging out with my friends when i wasn't even invited... this was very frustrating.. but we talked about it and now we understand each others views (mostly)

We have been transitioning to the friends relationship. it is hard but not really harder than not talking to her ever again. A small part of me thinks we could have made the relationship work... but then again there were quite a few times when neither of us really payed any attention to the others needs.

It is really sad, but i am happy that she is still a awesome friend and she has helped me (and hopefully with continue to) so many times.